Be careful what you put in your mouth this festive season

Next month I will have been living in Paris for a whole year and whilst the majority of similar foods to the UK can be found, there are a few exceptions and bacon is one of them. They have bacon in France but it’s not proper bacon that you would find in the UK. It’s not even streaky bacon like American’s have. It’s a kind of paper thin, round bacon that tastes ever so slightly sweet.

On Saturday night, my partner Pete and I were invited to a ‘UK Christmas party’ which a couple of our friends were throwing for all their expat friends living in Paris. When we arrived, I immediately surveyed the buffet table and was delighted to see something you don’t really see in France. Pigs in blankets! How christmassy I thought and immediately threw one up in the air and caught it in my mouth like a dog (metaphorically – I can’t even catch a ball).

As I turned away from the table and headed back to my friends, I was feeling delighted at this special treat I had found and had a spring in my step. A couple of seconds later, I wondered what was going on in my mouth. The sausage was sweet. Honey glazed maybe, I considered. But a few more chews in and I found myself reaching for a napkin and spitting it out in disgust. “What is this?” I cried in horror. And do you know what they said? “Dates wrapped in bacon.” What the actual fuck???

Now forgive my need to write this down, I know it isn’t at all theatre related but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for three days now. Who has ever heard of dates masquerading as sausages at Christmas? Is that a real thing? Have you ever seen them? Am I so lower class that I have never heard of such things?

Needless to say my friends have been given an official warning that if they ever pull a trick like that on me again, the friendship will be over. But I feel it is my duty to tell my story and warn you all to be careful what you put in your mouth this festive season – for things are not always what they seem and I have learnt my lesson to be more cautious around the buffet table in future.

Photo: BBC
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